I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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