No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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