I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
