Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
