she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
