Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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