READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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