I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
