You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
