A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
