Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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