I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
