He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
