im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
