3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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