Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
