I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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