I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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