I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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