I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he thought i was a dude.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
