So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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