my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
