8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
