Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
