if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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