He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
