and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
