Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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