I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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