i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
