Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
