You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
