At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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