pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Life is so much better after having sex.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
