i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
