Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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