i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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