first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
