speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
