Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
