census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
