Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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