From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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