it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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