also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
