So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
