I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
