You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
