I just pynch a tree in the face
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
