It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
